Silence Can Be Deadly
At the Community Against Violence (CAV), we serve all victims/survivors of domestic or sexual violence regardless of gender, economic status, religion, or cultural background. We provide confidential free support, counseling, safety planning, shelter, and more ... to those who reach out.
That last phrase is critical to CAV's mission: "To those who reach out." Our experience has shown that domestic violence, in all its forms, is a very private experience for the victim. Victims don't always come forward: It takes courage, strength, and trust to seek help. Often, it takes law enforcement intervention to separate a victim from the abuser ... and sometimes that can be tragically too late.
A persistent element of an abuser's strategy is to keep things quiet: intimidation, threats, humiliation, and blame are among the tactics that make individuals stay silent about the abuse.
Unfortunately, in Northern New Mexico, there’s a “silence” that exists within families that stops many victims from asking for help from CAV, law enforcement, and the medical community. This silence evolves out of a family's belief system, often reinforced by traditional or religious beliefs that oppose separation or divorce -- for any reason.
In addition, social expectations, economic status, roles of males and females, stress, and lack of supports outside the family have also been seen as further reinforcing this code of silence. The silence in these more traditional families has existed for so long, the fear of disappointing family also leads people to stay in a violent, potentially deadly relationship.
People may believe that despite repeated abuse, families are better off together than apart. We often hear from an abused parent that staying in a violent relationship was “for the children.” They believed they should endure whatever was needed so their children could have a home with two parents.
The truth is all forms of violence – verbal, emotional, sexual, economic or physical – tear families apart and mistakenly teach children that family violence is love. But another truth is that many victims don't come forward because of misplaced shame or fear of damaging the family's reputation.
Another often stated reason someone didn’t leave is that they didn’t understand it was domestic violence. Here's what a survivor shared:
"Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man…" (ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave/transcript)
It is difficult for us at CAV to do our work if victims/survivors do not reach out. But once they make the move, CAV will provide a safe and supportive environment.
And because we understand a man or woman leaving their abuser may not be a person’s goal when they seek services, CAV provides free and confidential services to all survivors of domestic and sexual violence, whether they’re seeking support and thinking about leaving, or considering how to safely remain.
If someone comes to you in confidence about an abusive situation, it’s important to listen and not offer advice. Acknowledge they’re in a very difficult situation. Remind them the abuse isn’t their fault, even if they choose to stay in the relationship. Listen without judging because they’re trying to make decisions under very challenging circumstances. Criticizing those decisions, suggesting they leave, or blaming them for the abuse will only make them unwilling to reach out for help when needed – leaving them in a dangerous position. Let them know you’re available to help. And encourage them to contact CAV because we can help ... if you reach out for it.
A final word from a survivor of domestic violence: “It’s not your fault, whatever has happened you did not 'deserve it,' no one deserves this treatment or abuse. Eventually the torment and pain will make you question what is actually happening, but don’t be afraid to get help. Don’t let them win, fight with every ounce of strength you have left, especially in those really dark times when you cannot see the way forward, when you feel worthless and question everything you do and why you are doing it. The truth is you will come through this, you will win this battle, don’t allow the shame and embarrassment to ruin your life further, there are people out there who genuinely care and love you for who you are.”
Joella Ann Montoya is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour HELPline at 575-758-9888 or 24-hour TEXTline 575-770-2706. TaosCAV.org
