Navigating Holidays within Split Families
At this time of year, I always feel compelled to publish a column cautioning adults about their own behaviors that derails the holidays for whom this time of the year is most precious: the children.
We at CAV want to especially recognize those mothers and fathers who, despite tough times in their relationship, go above and beyond to make holidays normal and healthy. We know it's not always simple or easy. For split families, even where there hasn’t been domestic or sexual violence, navigating holidays can be tricky, treacherous terrain.
Both parents must be responsible for figuring out children’s time with each parent – in a safe, amicable manner. Here are some suggestions:
Start planning early. The primary goal is to pin down “who's doing what, when, and how.” Both parents need to work hard to be as pleasant as possible during this process, and each should accept compromises. Put the plan in writing.
Follow any court orders detailing children’s holiday times with each parent, be flexible when needed. Rushing to court about a scheduling dispute isn’t focusing on the child. Your ex may persist in being difficult, so you may always need to be the one focusing on the child and compromises.
Consult children. The holidays can a tough time for children. Take time to let them vent to you in anger and sadness about not being able to celebrate with both parents together. Listen to them. Let them know it’s okay to be angry and disappointed and be clear the split isn’t their fault. Give them permission to enjoy their time with the other parent.
Coordinate gifts. It works best if parents can agree ahead of time as to the presents each will give the children. Compromise whenever possible. Go in on big-ticket items together. Keep an equal balance in how many presents each of you gives. Help your child pick out a specific gift from them to each parent.
Make transfers seamless. The exchange of children between parents must be non-confrontational. Beforehand, think through what might trigger you and commit to not taking the bait. Parents may feel unsafe dropping off a child to a former partner who’s been violent. If you think arguments or violence may occur, schedule the transfer in a public place and have a non-involved person help with the exchange.
Take care of yourself. There will be times when you feel stressed, tense, and isolated. Schedule time for yourself: Sit quietly, enjoy a view, take a walk – something that makes you happy.
If you are a survivor of domestic/sexual violence and your offender is the other parent, the holidays can be much more difficult to navigate. For example, sometimes the abuser’s family wants access to shared children, ignoring that their family also includes someone who abused you and caused trauma to the children.
“If there is still a lot of dysfunction and an unwillingness to acknowledge the abuse, or if the survivor feels she or her children are being manipulated, then the only obligation she has is to herself and her children,” says Karen C.L. Anderson, author on family dynamics.
That statement crystallizes what's most important during the holidays: the children. Parents and families can get wrapped up in their own conflicts and difficulties. Happy memories are probably the greatest gift you can give your child. It can happen if the focus is on the children and not parental conflicts.
Malinda Williams is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour Helpline at 575-758-9888. TaosCAV.org
