Getting Ahead of Teen Dating Violence

As any parent or guardian knows, the time when teenagers become interested in dating is full of excitement but full of complications. Those complications come when teens are stretching their wings, feeling out what it is like to live in the adult world, testing the limits of personal freedom, exploring romance and intimacy, and beginning to have sexual relationships.

 

As many of us who are parents and guardians know, it's complicated for us too. We don't want to alienate our children during this transitional period of their lives, but talking about it is far from easy. So we reluctantly let them figure it out for themselves, but we stay up late to be sure they get home safe, check in to see how the date went, and then lose sleep wondering what really happened. Unfortunately, violence, in its many forms, is on our minds. Rightfully so for many reasons, as a CDC survey shows:

  • Before the age of 18, one in three teens will experience some form of violence from a dating partner.
  • Less than one third of those adolescents in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about it.
  • More than 80% of parents don't think dating violence is an important issue, or admit they don't know it's an issue.

It's a delicate balance for all. Part of adolescence is the child breaking away from parental oversight, part of adolescence is parents having to let the child go. So offering advice before a date and getting the real information about how it went afterwards can be difficult. But that silence can be deadly.

 

It is critical that we talk with our children about dating violence before intimate relationships begin, before they got out on dates, before we have to deal with the serious consequences of not having these difficult conversations

 

By doing this we are laying a foundation of mutual trust for our kids to feel they can come to us if they find themselves in a violent relationship or situation.

 

Every day, CAV sees the consequences of how violence early in life manifests in adulthood. The forms of violence are many; physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial, and now digital and they all have long-lasting effects. We strongly urge parents and guardians to get ahead of the curve, and talk about what both healthy and unhealthy intimate relationships look like.

 

The following examples may be helpful during these early discussions as ways for teens to establish their own healthy boundaries when starting to date and how to recognize when unhealthy boundaries are crossed by the other person.

Here are some phrases to say to create healthy boundaries:

  • "I am cool with following each other on social media, but not sharing passwords."
  • "I am comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public right now."
  • "I am OK with texting occasionally, but not constantly."
  • "I am comfortable with some touching, but I am not ready to have sex."

On the other hand, here are some phrases that your teen might hear that should trigger concern that a relationship is heading into unhealthy territory:

  • "I need to know where you are ... always."
  • "If you love me, you won’t spend time with other people."
  • "I need you to stop talking to other guys or girls because you might cheat, and I get jealous."
  • "I can’t stand to see you struggling like this, so I need to help you change."

It can’t be emphasized enough, it's critical to establish trust through open, honest and shared communication before dating begins. Let your child know that they can say anything without fear of getting into trouble, that no subject is off limits and that you will listen without judgment. It is far from easy for both you and your children but it's crucial to talk about it often.

 

As a community, our collective values come clear to our kids. If violence of any kind is accepted, condoned, or explained away, our children absorb that as they develop their own value systems. Many studies show that the violence experienced when we are young translates into an acceptance of violence when we get older.

 

So we must all take a stand. CAV's mission is to "foster and support a community free from all forms of domestic and sexual violence." If we as parents and guardians talk with our children about the dangers of violence before they go out on date, we are building a community that will not tolerate any forms of violent behavior.

 

CAV stands ready to assist in helping teens, parents, and guardians to deal with the potential and reality of teen dating violence. And for more information, visit LoveIsRespect.org, thatsnotcool.com, and vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/datingmatters/.

 

Joella Ann Montoya is the Executive Director of Community Against Violence, Inc. (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for adult and child survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, and stalking; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education BIP groups for domestic violence offenders; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk with someone or get information on services available, call CAV’s 24-hout HELPline at 575-758-9888 or TEXTline at 575-770-2706, or go to TaosCAV.org.