Gaslighting Is All About Control

The term gaslighting comes from a play in the 1930’s that depicts an abusive husband who
controls his wife by convincing her that she is going insane. He does this by diming the gas
lights in their apartment little by little but telling her that the darkening house is all in her head.
Gaslighting is a physiological and emotional abuse tactic that is used to make the victim doubt
their own thoughts, feelings, sanity, and reality and over time can/will cause serious thoughts of
self-doubt, paranoia, increased anxiousness, and sense of security. They have truly come to
doubt that the “gaslights” are dimming and it’s just their mind playing tricks on them.

Gaslighting is most common among intimate partners and, overwhelmingly, women are the
victims. However, family members, friends, supervisors, anyone, can be a gaslighter.

Like many forms of abuse gaslighting is a slow burning fire, with the victim’s “forgetfulness” or
rather the gaslighting abusers denials seeming harmless at first, gradually victims become more
confused and isolated. This gives the abuser a way to not only control the surroundings of their
partner, but they have now become the only person that their partner trusts, they have made their
partner believe that they cannot even trust themselves let alone anyone else.

Gaslighting is not unique to only abusive relationships, it can be used in an otherwise healthy
relationship too. At times gaslighting can look like deflection, manipulation, or even
defensiveness. Some questions to ask yourself in a situation such as this are:

Am I regularly doubting the way in which certain events took place?

Do I feel confused when I speak to my partner?

Do I rely more frequently on my partner’s recollection of how certain events transpired instead
of my own?

  • Start a daily journal to refer back to when needed.

Am I afraid to share my opinions, thoughts, or feelings with my partner?

  • You matter.

Does my partner make me doubt my intelligence or intuition?

  • Intuition is instinctual “trust your gut!”

Does my partner refer to me as “crazy”, “too sensitive”, or “dumb”?

  • You are emotionally intelligent, observant, and aware.

Am I increasingly feeling more isolated from friends & family?

Reach out to friends and family to see if they have noticed a change in your behavior. If you
answered yes to more than one of these questions, please call Community Against Violence
(CAV) 24-hour hotline, 575-758-9888 to speak with a trained advocate who can help.

CAV firmly believes that any form of control of one person over another is abuse.

Joella Ann Montoya is the Executive Director of Community Against Violence (CAV),
which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of
sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community
and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and
control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and a community
thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour HELPline at 575-
758-9888 or 24-hour TEXTline 575-770-2706. TaosCAV.org.