Digital Consent Essential for Online Relationships
The best way to give a relationship a chance to work is to honestly and sincerely communicate with each other, right from the start. Be it personal, professional, or casual, any relationship relies upon both sides clearly understanding the desires, expectations, and boundaries of each person at all times.
Negotiations are an essential part of successful human connection, especially intimate ones. Whether it’s what to have for dinner, splitting up chores, or if or when to have sex – partners need to express their views and also intentionally and respectfully listen to each other. From there, agreement might be reached, and a relationship can move forward with the clarity of communications.
In numerous “Everybody's Business” columns, I have emphasized that a healthy intimate, sexual relationship begins – and has the best chance to succeed – with honest communication all along the way. At every relationship stage, each gets to decide if they consent to what might happen with both being sure there’s a willing, enthusiastic, and mutual desire to move forward.
Before the Internet, consents were typically negotiated in person with the chance to closely read body language and gage responses. The Internet quickly became a popular way for people to meet potential partners. Without that in-person element, especially in early stages, online dating requires extra caution –it's even more important that each person clearly asks in advance and gets crystal clear consent before taking the next step.
If a relationship begins to get sexual, the importance of checking in at every step heightens. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) calls this process digital consent: “When it comes to sexual activities that take place through screens, such as sexting, sending nude photos, or connecting for in-person physical sex, digital consent is a baseline for moving forward.”
It's an intentional, sincere process for both people who may want to proceed with sexual interactions. Here are suggestions on making communications clear and mutual:
- Ask permission before sending explicit messages, texts, or photos.
- Respect the decisions of others once you ask. It’s never okay to coerce or pressure someone to send photos or record sexual acts. If someone says no after you ask for digital consent, respect their choice and move on.
- Understand everyone has boundaries around meeting up in real life. If you’ve met online or through an app, make sure you both willingly agree on any next steps, and that you’re safe and feel comfortable with meeting in person – or continuing online.
- Ask each time something new comes up. Getting digital consent is important every time you get together, even if your partner agreed to something before, they aren’t obligated to agree to do it again.
The anonymity of the Internet can protect perpetrators’ identities making it likely to encounter sexual predators who are roaming and looking for unsuspecting victims for virtual or actual sex. If someone online doesn’t want to respectfully participate in the digital consent process all along the way, then we at CAV strongly urge you to block further communications. Remember: consent must be fully voluntary by each person and continually given and respected. Pressure, guilt, or other coercion is unacceptable.
April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and communities everywhere are standing up for sexual abuse prevention. At its website (https://www.NSVRC.org/), the National Sexual Violence Resource Center has put an emphasis on digital consent. We urge you to check it out and share with others.
Malinda Williams is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour helpline at 575-758-9888. TaosCAV.org
